07
Mar
12

granny body shot

Howdy, ma’am. Reckon you here to ask me about old Sally Ray Koosman. Well, we don’t get too many big city reporters out this way, less it’s to ask about the paint thinner plant yonder up the river, or Sally Ray, seeing how she’s the only one ever make it out of old Weevil Holler. Yessir, Sally Ray was the pride of the community on account of winnin all them geography bees. County, state, regionals, nationals. She done sweppem all. We ain’t had no school round these parts since the Scopes Monkey Trial, so nobody knew how she figured out what an isthmus was, or how she could properly identify a fjord, but they she was. Makin us all real proud. When all the townsfolk gathered around the teevee to watch Sally Ray, it was the biggest crowd at Gunther’s Lunch Counter and General Store since 1968, when George Wallace made an ill-advised campaign stop, after which we tole him his stump speech weren’t racist enough. Women kneaded they handkerchiefs and even a few of the menfolks’ knees knocked as Sally Ray stepped up to the microphone to name the African country that was bordered on all sides by one other country. Lesotho. Sure enough. We all whooped and cheered. Pretty soon Sally Ray was a big sensation. Inspired provocative thinkpieces in Harper’s and the New Yorker about whether educators should reevaluate they curricula by concentrating less on traditional academic disciplines like the humanities or hard sciences and instead smear they children’s faces with coal dust and make em drink Shasta for every meal. Course, the good times ain’t last long before Sally Ray started to experience the downside of fame. Ole girl done collapsed from exhaustion after a ribbon-cutting at the fancy publishers Harcourt Brace Jovanovich new flagship retail outlet in midtown Manhattan. Danged doctor prescribed her some pills to help her regulate her sleep patterns after all that airplane traveling interrupted her Circadian rhythms. From there it was just a matter of time till she fell into a pit of chemical dependency. Bad stuff. Hair ron. Kickaine. Folks started to talk amongst theyselves. Why she need to take a belt into the bathroom with her if she just going in there to make water. We was already pretty worried about her by the time she embarrassed herself on Tom Snyder’s show. Showed up under the influence and tried to scratch Carl Sagan’s eyes out. Things better for her now though. Found enlightenment through Buddhism. Taking better care of herself too. Pilates. Ashtanga vinyasa yoga. She over there eatin that kale sallit from Whole Foods. Rich in numerous polyphenolic flavonoid compounds, such as lutein, zeaxanthin, and beta-carotene. She don’t talk much about those heady days now, but I bet you could get her to open up if you act like a confused tourist looking for an estuary.

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