You guys, the craziest thing happened to me recently. I was testing out the latest prototype for a toaster oven that works in the bathtub, when suddenly a bright light appeared before me. I felt drawn to it, closer and closer, swimming in air as if I were an astronaut in zero gravity, for what felt like days. Once I arrived, I was told that my talents were needed on earth for a while longer, but before being sent back I was allowed to take a quick tour for free, with the understanding that once I returned I would casually mention this amazing little corner of the universe whenever possible as long as it didn’t upset the natural flow of conversation, to help drum up a little business for them. I awoke face down in the water, surrounded by floating charred pizza bagel fragments, grateful for this new lease on life.
Heaven is truly a wonderful place, with streets paved with gold, faucets that run with champagne, and toothpaste that doesn’t taste weird when mixed with champagne. Every night is steak finger night, unless you want something else, in which case the staff will be happy to whip up something special for you. Sub sandwich? Done. Heaven also boasts the universe’s only known weed dealer to get a perfect thirty-point rating from Zagat’s. Oh, and humans get slightly higher status than angels, despite the fact that the angels have been there a lot longer, so you have this built-in class of schmucks to feel superior to, right off the bat. It’s like they thought of everything. You might even call it a little slice of heaven on earth, except for the fact that it’s in heaven.
Yes, lots of people will be in heaven, even people you don’t like. For example, your aunt that forwards you all those emails in all caps electric blue comic sans font about the President being a secret Muslim terrorist? Not only will she be in heaven, she has dibs on a fucking sweet rent-controlled place with a breathtaking view of all the pagans suffering in hell (you should probably get in good with her; she might let you house sit). And remember that family that used to come in every week in their Sunday best to the Chili’s where you worked in college and tipped like 5% because the dad had to ask to have his tea glass refilled once? Well, only the dad will be in heaven, as the family perished in a fiery car crash before the two little girls had a chance to accept Jesus as their personal lord and savior, and the mom once made out with a girl at a party in high school.
We must all make sure we don’t waste our few allowable bad needs on minor chickenshit transgressions that don’t bring us much satisfaction, for at the end of our lives, our good deeds must outnumber our bad ones. For example, I made actual eye contact with my doorman today, which no doubt put a couple of points in the “entry permitted” side for me in God’s Great Ledger. It may be a struggle to maintain this harmonious balance for the rest of my life, but I’m up for the challenge, as I truly cannot wait to return to my eternal reward. Now, if someone will please hold my helmet for me, for my next trick I’m going to ride this unicycle down Danger Mountain.